10/6/2014

10/6/2014

I didn't think I would be doing this quite so soon but never the less, here I am.

2weeks ago I noticed a difference in the shape of my neck and upon further examination, by myself, I realized that it was tender. When I thought about this, I also remembered that I had to start clearing my throat a lot more as I ate (I've not had to do that for over a year now) so what could this mean?

My mind went in to meltdown.

I've just started a new job, back in the world of the employed after quite some time and I'm enjoying it, o.k. so the early starts are a bit hard but being back in the workplace is good for me, except when my mind drifts off into its own little world of "what ifs?" so I needed to be reassured that all is ok. A quick phone call should do it, a change of appointment from the end of July to today, this morning in fact. I let my new boss know about this and he was more than happy to give me a days holiday as he is fully aware of all that I have gone through over the last 2 years and he understands that a meltdown mind, is a unhappy mind and an unhappy mind makes mistakes and these mistakes could be quite costly. So yesterday, he wished me good luck for today.

Bx wanted to join me today, at the hospital and as the sun was shinning it was a great excuse for her to get out on the back of my bike, other great reasons for this are the free parking for motorcycles and the ability to beat rush hour traffic, alright so the odd traffic violation may have occurred or it may not have, officer, either way a very enjoyable blat was had on the ride down to Poole, albeit over far too soon.

Having arrived early for my appointment, this gave us time for a much needed coffee and the chance to check the mobile before switching it off upon entrance to the building, 2 sms messages from Mother and Brother, both of which as you would expect, messages of "good luck today", just like my new boss and workmates of yesterday, however lady luck must be out helping someone else, because today, during my newly made appointment, in what should have been a routine examination, a simple procedure of a very small camera, a scope to be inserted up my nose to get a good look at "ground zero", a procedure that has been done to me every 6 weeks for the last 18 months without any problems, this time was not to be. It wouldn't fit, they, and I say they because 2 consultants tried to get this flexible straw up my hooter and 2 consultants hurt me. There is something in the way. Is it a giant bogie? Or is it something more ominous? Oops, there goes the meltdown again. Nothing else for it but to have more scans, URGENT scans is what was requested and urgent scans are now what I have.

A head and neck MRI on Thursday morning at 8:30am, A head, neck and abdomen CT scan on Monday at 5:00pm followed by a follow up appointment on Tuesday at 9:30am to get the results. I wonder what my new boss is going to make of that. He does seem like a decent fellow but having been a boss myself I understand that the company chain is only as strong as the weakest link and at the moment I fear that weak link is me.

With this fear, the fear of what is inside my nasal cavity blocking the camera from gaining access to visually inspect "ground zero" and my increasing mind meltdown spiraling into the fear of "what ifs" my journey back from Poole, with my ever loving companion sat behind me was a lot more sedate, almost pedestrian, with my mind not on the road it was probably best that way.

It's quite amazing, as it was before the expressing of "the state of Stevieboy" into the written word puts me at ease. I couldn't care if this gets read ever again but it is "what is on my mind" and probably will be always on my mind.

Roll on Next Tuesday.