17/6/2014

17 / 6 / 2014

Ahhh, and relax.

I'm ok. It's all ok. There is still nothing to worry about. It hasn't come back.

God bless the NHS and 2 sets of clear scans.

What a relief. No answer as to why they couldn't get that scope in and the consultant did say today that they will try to do it again (the camera up my nose that is), but not for 3 months :). That’s right, they don't want to see me till September and I do like the sound of that.
Apparently, anxiety is absolutely normal around this time in recovery, so that must make it official people, I am normal. Much to the surprise of a lot of you, I know.

It did mean a great deal to me, to find out, that word of my last blog entry got out and that so many of you sent me your love and wishes of good luck. It strengthened me to learn that you choose to take time out to read about the State of Stevieboy, even when I only rambled on for my own benefit, to assist myself in the airing out of my fears.

I remember, a few months ago throwing a party to show my appreciation to those who have been there to support me and my beautiful family and what a blazing success it was too. Maybe I should do it again, just for the sake of it, well it would be waste not to share the bar in the garden again and the summer heat could make it all the more enjoyable. It would also give me something else to write about, I have become quite used to this typing about things and perhaps it shouldn't just be the cancer that gives me reason to type, maybe I should just write about all things that make up our, and your rich tapestry of life especially the high points, to scribe about those would make for a much more amusing read, and as long as I keep your names a secret, they can't prosecute.

One thing I do know is "what a beautiful day" it is, as it was on the Saturday of last week, in particular going to the Behind the Castle gig in Sherborne, a music festival to see the "phenomenal" Levellers, I say "Phenomenal" because this was the only term that the presenter on stage could use, and use he did, for every act every time he introduced them whether it was Seth Lakeman (Folk singer / Fiddle player), Paul Brady (Irish folk, blues, rock / Multi Instrumentalist), Newton Faulkner (Ginger Dreadlock Hippie) or the Levellers according to the compere they are " The Phenomenal...", what is wrong with sensational, remarkable, outstanding, unparalleled or just plain old fantastic, because this is what all the acts were. However when the evening grew late and the bar dried up (yes they ran out of beer, hic) and the Levellers started to play, the crowd surged forwards and the kids got excited, "Dad, dad, pick me up" so me and my mate J spent the next hour vigorously bouncing like mad things with our daughters of 8 and 9 years energetically bouncing on our shoulders, and it was AWESOME! Training the next generation of festival goers, without a care in the world. I think we'll have to do something like that again.

Till the next time people, don't go changing.

Missing you already.

10/6/2014

10/6/2014

I didn't think I would be doing this quite so soon but never the less, here I am.

2weeks ago I noticed a difference in the shape of my neck and upon further examination, by myself, I realized that it was tender. When I thought about this, I also remembered that I had to start clearing my throat a lot more as I ate (I've not had to do that for over a year now) so what could this mean?

My mind went in to meltdown.

I've just started a new job, back in the world of the employed after quite some time and I'm enjoying it, o.k. so the early starts are a bit hard but being back in the workplace is good for me, except when my mind drifts off into its own little world of "what ifs?" so I needed to be reassured that all is ok. A quick phone call should do it, a change of appointment from the end of July to today, this morning in fact. I let my new boss know about this and he was more than happy to give me a days holiday as he is fully aware of all that I have gone through over the last 2 years and he understands that a meltdown mind, is a unhappy mind and an unhappy mind makes mistakes and these mistakes could be quite costly. So yesterday, he wished me good luck for today.

Bx wanted to join me today, at the hospital and as the sun was shinning it was a great excuse for her to get out on the back of my bike, other great reasons for this are the free parking for motorcycles and the ability to beat rush hour traffic, alright so the odd traffic violation may have occurred or it may not have, officer, either way a very enjoyable blat was had on the ride down to Poole, albeit over far too soon.

Having arrived early for my appointment, this gave us time for a much needed coffee and the chance to check the mobile before switching it off upon entrance to the building, 2 sms messages from Mother and Brother, both of which as you would expect, messages of "good luck today", just like my new boss and workmates of yesterday, however lady luck must be out helping someone else, because today, during my newly made appointment, in what should have been a routine examination, a simple procedure of a very small camera, a scope to be inserted up my nose to get a good look at "ground zero", a procedure that has been done to me every 6 weeks for the last 18 months without any problems, this time was not to be. It wouldn't fit, they, and I say they because 2 consultants tried to get this flexible straw up my hooter and 2 consultants hurt me. There is something in the way. Is it a giant bogie? Or is it something more ominous? Oops, there goes the meltdown again. Nothing else for it but to have more scans, URGENT scans is what was requested and urgent scans are now what I have.

A head and neck MRI on Thursday morning at 8:30am, A head, neck and abdomen CT scan on Monday at 5:00pm followed by a follow up appointment on Tuesday at 9:30am to get the results. I wonder what my new boss is going to make of that. He does seem like a decent fellow but having been a boss myself I understand that the company chain is only as strong as the weakest link and at the moment I fear that weak link is me.

With this fear, the fear of what is inside my nasal cavity blocking the camera from gaining access to visually inspect "ground zero" and my increasing mind meltdown spiraling into the fear of "what ifs" my journey back from Poole, with my ever loving companion sat behind me was a lot more sedate, almost pedestrian, with my mind not on the road it was probably best that way.

It's quite amazing, as it was before the expressing of "the state of Stevieboy" into the written word puts me at ease. I couldn't care if this gets read ever again but it is "what is on my mind" and probably will be always on my mind.

Roll on Next Tuesday.